How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
