true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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