I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
