omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
