not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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