Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
