we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
