last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
