Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
