You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.