Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old