She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.