All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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