watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
