That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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