I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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