Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
