There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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