remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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