I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
