i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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