If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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