my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
