Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
