Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
