i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
