the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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