just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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