You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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