Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
