just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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