If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
