The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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