just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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