I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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