getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
