Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
