I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
