idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
