Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
