ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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