I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
