Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
