I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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