Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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