she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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