UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
