the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
