I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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