im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
