Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
