bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
