No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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