Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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