I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
