We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
