If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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