Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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