The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
