Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
