Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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