my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thus making me awesome and them whores
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
