you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
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Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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