just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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