how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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