Tell her she can't have a vagina
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's never too late to be topless.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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