I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
